This blog post is probably one of the most difficult and painful posts I have or will ever make. But, in doing this I’m hoping that it helps someone in the same situation to know that they are not alone, that there are ways to cope, there are ways to deal with loss and maintain some sort of small amount of sanity.
After three and a half years, David and I have separated. As I sit here and write that I still find it hard to believe but the fact is it has happened. So, what’s next. Well before I can go into trying to figure out what’s next, I need to reflect on what was. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend, the love of my life, and my soulmate. I know that is very raw but in order to start healing I feel like a person has to be honest with themselves and dig deep inside to bring the truth to the surface so that you can deal with it and try to make sense of things. I’m not sure I will ever be able to truly make sense of all this but I have to try. I had an amazing 3.5 years with David. It was everything I had ever wanted in a relationship. We were happy, the happiest I had ever been in my life. We had so much in common, enjoyed the same things, did everything together, made plans and dreams, our families all got along and loved each other, everyone loved seeing us together. So what happened? Life. Period.
When you least expect it life will throw curve balls at you and if you aren’t looking or you are too lax it will land one right between your eyes and you will never see it coming. It wasn’t one major thing that led up to our demise. It was little things, normal things that most couples go through. But it seemed like they all hit at once, and some that I didn’t even know about. There is not more blame to be placed on either side. No one is more at fault than the other.
So, what am I doing to deal with this life changing course of events? It’s come in stages. I’ve went through the hurt and anger. I’ve went through the self destructive stage. I decided that in order for me to start healing I had to find peace in my heart about everything. I turned to God. Doing this helped me realize my part in all of this, helped me come to terms with the things I couldn’t change. I learned how to let go of the anger and the hurt and find forgiveness for myself for the things I was responsible for. In doing this I was also able to find forgiveness for David. This gave me a sense of peace in my heart. It also made me realize that even after everything that has happened, I do and will always love David. We had a kind of relationship that only happens once in a great while, one that some never get to experience. I am fortunate enough to be able to say that I found that in David, I had that at least once in my life.
So now I’m taking it day by day. I have to sometimes remind myself that I’m still a good person with a good heart and a loving spirit. I read my bible alot now because I know when I have fear or doubt that God will provide an answer that I need there. I pray for myself and for David every day. Even though we are not together, I could never want anything bad for him. He brought so much to my life that it would be wrong to wish bad on him, and I never will.
I’m rebuilding myself each day back into the strong, confident, and sufficient woman that I’ve always been. It’s been a struggle but that was to be expected. I have friends that have walked me through this step by step that I will forever be indebted to. I have family that has supported me every minute. And I have a loving and forgiving God that has shown me grace.
If you are struggling with loss in your life the best advice I can give you is to turn to God. When I did that I was able to know in my heart things that I needed to do. I don’t know what the future holds for me but I have faith that God will lead me to where I need to be. He led me to David 3.5 years ago and that was such a blessing. I am confident that He will bless me again in some way.
Find a good support system too. You need people in your life to remind you of how important you really are to others, that you matter even when you feel like you don’t. You need friends who will lift you up when you can’t see the light and the darkness is suffocating you. Stay busy when you can. But on days when all you can do is make sure everyone is fed and the house is still standing then let that be enough. Be kind to yourself, remember to love yourself because you are going to need yourself now more than ever. A good friend of mine advised me to work through 5 minutes, then an hour, then a few hours, then a day. And before you know it a week has went by and you realize you made it. Then a month.
One very important thing to remember and do is to be completely honest and true to yourself. Don’t try to force feelings that aren’t real just because everyone around you tells you that you should be angry, or hurt, or resentful. Those feelings only end up hurting you worse. No one could understand when I told them I was tired of trying to find reasons to be mad at David and I just wanted to be honest with myself and how I truly felt. Yes, there were reasons to be mad and hurt, but to me there were more reasons to finally admit that I still loved him, and that I was grateful for every minute and every second of every day that I was blessed to have him in my life. Does that make me foolish or in denial? No, I don’t think so. I think it shows that I’m a forgiving person, that I am mature enough to recognize the true blessings in my life and be grateful for them even when they are taken away. I’m not ashamed to have the heart that I do. In fact, I like to think that it shows my character as a woman. I also like to think that I am doing only what God would expect of me. Where would we all be if God didn’t forgive us of our sins and continue to love us unconditionally? I would hate to think about that, because I am far from perfect.
Thank you for stopping by for a few minutes with me. I know this post was a little raw but sometimes being raw just reminds us that we are human. And we all need that reminder occasionally.